Seven Signs of Relational Disease
Posted: Thursday, January 05, 2012
by Dane Tyner
Home Improvement Ministry
Some time ago I picked up my car from the repair shop. The service staff not only presented me with a big bill for the repairs they made but a long list of things they suggested needed attention in the near future. Especially stressed was the importance of two items on their list. One was the replacement of the timing belt. Unaware that I had already replaced the belt, they warned me of extensive and expensive engine damage that sometimes results when the belt breaks. The second critical item to which they alerted me was a cracking rubber boot in the rack-and-pinion steering mechanism. They warned me of the danger of allowing this to go unattended. Road dirt could enter through a hole in the boot, get into precision steering parts and ruin them. They punctuated the warning by telling me that the cost of replacing the rack-and-pinion would be over a thousand dollars. Here are a couple of concrete examples of the old adage, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
Our relational lives require upkeep much like mechanical possessions. Our world creates intense stress on our lives and relationships. Without routine maintenance our relationships are sure to suffer damage under the world’s constant wear and tear. When we ignore this maintenance or put off addressing “little problems”, sooner or later, we wind up with BIGGER PROBLEMS!
In my work as a Christian counselor I have observed many folks who didn’t take seriously their little personal problems. They simply ignored the problems, hoping they would magically go away. Instead, their problems became so mountainous as to seem insurmountable. Such dear ones often come to a counselor needing an overhaul on a “tune-up” budget.
Perhaps this sounds like a commercial for counseling, and I suppose it is; but I intend it to be much more. Our counseling ministry, and others like it, are only a part of God’s plan for supporting emotional and relational health. You may never need the services we provide; still you do need to take care of your soul and your relationships. You may not have grown up in a dysfunctional family; but you do live in a dysfunctional world, and it will take its toll on your life and your relationships. Living is hazardous to your health!
One of the reasons I believe so strongly in active participation in the ministry of a healthy local church is the conviction that every member of my family – myself most certainly included – needs regular maintenance of the soul. In my opinion, regular church participation is to the soul what having oil changes, tune-ups, tire rotations, and routine repairs are to my car. Sometimes, however, some of us need more help than is offered in the routine program of the local church. I’ll not argue whether or not it should be this way; it simply is so.
This is an important reality to face. Sometimes the seriousness of a problem exceeds the expertise or availability of local church workers. This requires spiritual discernment, honesty, and humility on the part of everyone involved in the problematic situation.
It is very important to be aware of and respond to warning signs of potentially serious trouble. If you are known to be at risk for certain problems, this becomes all the more important. For instance, wisdom says that medical check-ups become increasingly important if heart disease, diabetes, or cancer run in your family. Likewise, if you grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment where destructive passions such as rage, obsessions, addictions, infidelity, depression, and suicide seemed to “run in the family”, you should consider yourself at risk and take extra precautions. Failure to recognize and respond to warning signs of trouble brewing can be quite costly.
Consider a man I’ll call Clyde as a case in point. Clyde came for counseling without his wife. Becky had just served him his last meal – divorce papers. She had had it. Sitting in my office, now unable to restrain the tears he had always managed, in macho toughness, to hold at bay, Clyde begged for help. “I really didn’t think things were this bad,” he muttered. And he didn’t. But he should have! His wife had suggested for years that they get some counseling. Now, Clyde was gung-ho to do “anything she wants”, but her interest in reconciliation was below zero – equal to the temperature of her heart toward him.
Poor Clyde learned that the “little problems” which seemed to him so insignificant and unworthy of attention, the ones he felt sure would go away in time, were instead the early warning signs of a malignant relational disease that turned terminal in his marriage and catapulted him into a chaotic and painful mid-life crisis. Clyde and Becky contributed to a shameful divorce statistics of the church.
Consider these warning signs that may be signals that specialized help is warranted in your circumstance. If you see them in your life, I suggest that you at least talk with your pastor and consider a check-up with a professional helper.
1. You are using alcohol or other drugs to manage your emotions.
Now, don’t kid yourself or anyone else on this one. Don’t tell us how much you enjoy the taste of this or that. Why do you desire to visit “MargaritaVille” so often? What is the pain or the confusion that you are medicating away? And, don’t say, “Well, the doctor prescribed these pills.” The best doctors recognize that psychotropic medications, as a rule, treat only the surface symptoms of a deeper spiritual or emotional disorder that needs attention as well. May I suggest you honestly address these?
2. Relationships are stagnating or getting weaker over time.
Healthy relationships, even in the face of trials and disagreements, should get stronger and deeper over time. If the opposite is happening, you are seeing signs that a destructive relational disease is probably at work and needs to be arrested, and the sooner the better.
3. Conflict is a regular occurrence.
Most, if not all, relationships will have some level of conflict arising at times. To me, this is unavoidable when sinful people are relating honestly. People who tell me they never have any conflict cause me to doubt their honesty, not necessarily with me, but with themselves at least. When significant levels of conflict are the rule rather than the exception, however, there is cause for genuine concern and reason to seek help.
4. Conflict is not resolved in a short time.
The Bible says we should not “let the sun go down on our anger.” (Eph 4:26) Like many other Bible commands, we may find this very hard and at times impossible to carry out literally. It is probably legalistic and reactionary to call up a counselor in the middle of the night to set up an appointment “first thing in the morning” because of an inability to resolve a matter of dispute. But it is certainly unresponsive to fail to solicit help when unable to resolve a matter that hangs on for many days or weeks. If you’re stuck, call a tow truck. Don’t put 100,000 miles on your car spinning your wheels.
5. Conflict is not resolved in a mutually satisfactory manner.
Because of our humanity, it is sometimes necessary in a relationship to make a decision in which the parties could not achieve total agreement. If this becomes the pattern of a relationship, however, serious trouble is brewing. Husband, if you often make family decisions on the basis of being “head of the home” to which your wife does not agree, you are headed for trouble, if you have not already arrived. Parents, if you consistently make decisions regarding your children without consideration of their feelings and views, you are likewise headed for danger. If someone in your family repeatedly is not pleased with decisions that are made, you would probably be wise to consult a Christian helper to assist you in examining your decision- making and conflict resolution processes.
6. Unusual conflict occurs.
I’m opening a real can of worms here, huh? So, what’s unusual? Well, let me try to define what I mean. Many of us get angry at times and say and do things that are not good or godly. I think it unusual, though, to throw lamps and punch holes in walls. It is normal that males have interest in attractive female bodies, and may have strong temptations to check out the immodestly dressed gals at the mall or restaurant. It is unusual to discover that your husband or son has been calling Dial-a-porn numbers or intentionally visiting Internet porn sites.
Most of us have some difficulties disciplining our kids. It is unusual that you cannot find a way to get your child to reasonably behave without engaging in certifiable child abuse. It may be terribly common, but it is still unusual to find that your child is involved with drugs, is sexually active, or is closely involved with the kids who are. When unusual conflict presents itself in your life, you should seriously consider consulting a pastor or other counselor.
7. You are avoiding relationships.
Do you find yourself looking for excuses to not be at home or in the same room with so-and-so? Do you find yourself feeling somewhat relieved when so-and-so is gone and getting tense when he/she is going to be with you? Do you work to maintain a comfortable surface style of communication with your spouse, parent, child, sibling, or friend? You may have a relationship that is dying of malnutrition. Worse, yet, toxic waste in the form of bitter resentment over unresolved conflict may be buried beneath the surface of your relationship. The barrels in which the waste is buried are rusting away. Sure, you can wait. There is not a crisis now. But, if you wait until those toxins begin seeping into the “soil and ground water” of your life, what may be of little consequence right now could become the biggest crisis of your entire life. So, please don’t settle for the peaceful co-existence of a cold war where God wants joyful co-operation in His love and grace. And, if you need help getting there, don’t be too proud to admit it and seek it.
Conclusion
This seven-item list is not exhaustive, of course. I only raised some of the most common concerns. I hope you are encouraged to take seriously the need for both nurture and restoration of your soul. Many emotional and relational problems are analogous to those automobile problems to which I referred. They can be ignored. To do so, however, will increase both the degree of damage and cost of correction. Often, when faced with major repair bills on a car, we will trade off the old vehicle for a new (or newer) one. Unfortunately, this same mentality is often applied to precious relationships. This is precisely why divorce is so popular and the probability of satisfaction so low when we simply trade off our problems for someone else’s in the great “used relationship lots.”
To become a Christian is much more than “getting saved” so that you can “go to heaven” someday. It is about becoming a new person and living a new life in an old world. To answer Christ’s call is more than difficult; it is impossible in our own wisdom and strength alone. His call is to inner healing and relational reconciliation (Rm 12:2; Eph 4:20-24; 2 Cor 5:18,19). In order to live this new life, I have found I need much help from many resources. I need God. And I need His anointed servants, too. I doubt you are different.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Jews, as well, most certainly need such 'maintenance' and should absolutely be included, for you to be fully 'Christian', in this, your apt prescriptive advice article!
Nice writing and sound thinking, within this religiously restrictive article, nonetheless.
PaulPaul,
Thanks for reading and leaving this feedback. I'm glad you didn't trip over the "religiously restrictive" nature of my article. It is true that most of what I had to say here could apply to people of various religious orientations. But I am a Christian, unashamedly so. And, now that you mention it, without Jesus, I would be writing nothing and probably not capable of sound thinking at this point in my life.
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