Be The Dad You Wish You Had
Posted: Tuesday, June 10, 2008
by Dane Tyner
Home Improvement Ministry
This writing is not for everyone. Many fathers do an outstanding job of raising their kids. Unfortunately, many men had dads who either were not there enough to matter or were so offensive in behavior that their children wished they were not there. I have written this for men who have no trouble recognizing the neglect and/or abuse they experienced from their dad. And I have good news for you!
The second item, a plaque given by another of my children on another Father's Day, reads:
"A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you are."
This gift brought a timely message of encouragement, coming the year my oldest son surpassed me in height. (That's when I decided to beat him in girth. Trust me; I did.)
These particular paternal possessions are very important to me for a reason I want to share with you here. I know, all too well, that I am not the "world's greatest dad." And I am quite sure that each of my children knows that his dad could have been better, much better. Furthermore, I believe each of my sons intends to be a better dad than this one. Power to them! Still, the hyperbole expressed in these gifts has greatly encouraged me.
You see, I would never have bought such things for my dad. Neither would any of my siblings. And, from what I have heard, my dad would have been even less likely to have made such affirming gestures to his dad. My paternal grandfather died before I was born, so I have no first-hand information. Every account I have heard about him agrees; he was a bitter and extremely hateful man. Though I never new Grandpa Tyner, I did know someone who bore, not just scars, but the unhealed wounds of the soul from his abusive ways.
While I lived at home, my relationship with Dad was characterized by my general (and usually unsuccessful) attempts to please him and get his approval. I learned to live with the vigilance of a sentry, trying to always be prepared for his unpredictable outbursts of anger. Rarely did I feel his pleasure in me; I don't remember ever really trusting it.
His angry outbursts often led to verbal and physical abuse in our home. I was not always, nor even usually, the target of his wrath. Still, it is little comfort that you are not being attacked when someone you love is. My second earliest memory is of me and my three-year-younger sister sitting on a wooden chair side-by-side watching our Mom and Dad in a marital fight that had turned physical. I can't tell you who started the fight but I am confident who ended it. Dad always did. He imagined that made him a victor.
Violent outbursts as I just described were not the norm at our home. They were, in fact, the exception. Most of the time life was fairly calm and uneventful. There were even times of levity and laughter. Dad sang and played the guitar. His main love, however, was playing the violin ("fiddle" was the more common term for the kind of music he played).
I can remember Mom and Dad being pleased with my singing from a very early age. Another early memory is riding in our family car and Mom or Dad asking me to sing a particular song. I sang without inhibition and felt their joint affirmation. When I was six years old, Dad bought me a ukulele and began teaching me to play it. I loved it. I learned quickly and another avenue of affirmation was opened to me. Dad would have me accompany him as he played the fiddle. Somewhere around 12 to 14 years of age, he got an old acoustic guitar for me and began to teach me to play it. When we would go visit family, usually Dad would take his fiddle and insist on me taking my uke or guitar. I never even wanted to protest; those were fun, affirming times for me. I could tell that Dad was proud of my musical ability. His delight in me musically, however, was tainted by other experiences in our home. Even in the music arena at home Dad had the propensity to become harsh and angry, if I messed up a song by hitting a wrong chord or changing the tempo.
In my teen years, I was often filled with anger (and sometimes intense hatred) toward him. His abuse of my mom became more than I could take. We never had father-and-son talks about anything that I can remember. Instead, we had father-to-son lectures. He taught me little by instruction, but much by example. From my Dad I learned well how not to treat a wife and children.
Once I left our Indiana home, the tension in our relationship broke. And soon after I left home, he and Mom divorced. We actually had a pretty peaceful, albeit superficial, relationship from then on. From the time I left home for the Navy at 19 until he died when I was 39, the only times I saw him was when I went to visit him. The thousand-plus miles between us were evidently too much for him to traverse. It is possible, though I remember none, that once or twice in all those years Dad called me on the phone. I know we talked on the phone a couple of times, but I think I was the one who initiated the calls. What I want you to see is this: His initiatory investments in our adult-to-adult relationship were minute.
I share these things not to degrade my dad, but to help you see where I am coming from (and where I have come from) as I address this subject. Based on a biblical principle in Luke 16 where a man in hell begged that word be sent to warn his living kin to avoid his awful mistake (not that I think my dad went to hell), I'm sure Dad would want me to share these things to help you claim things he did not. He would want you to know that you don't have to be like the dad you had. In fact, he wasn't.
Of course, this is far easier said than done. (You expected that, right?)
For many years after leaving home, I operated with an unconscious agenda I thought would work well. My vision for success in manhood was simple: "Don't be like Dad!"
I must warn you: it didn't work!
That negative vision for life was generated from my natural mind in my youth. Such is often the case in those who come from emotionally unhealthy homes. I discovered, thankfully, that God had a different and better vision for my life. It was a positive vision rather than a negative one. Rather than living to " not be like someone", I found that God had called me " to be like Someone" and that Someone is Jesus. And this vision has been directing positive change in me for over 35 years.
Please, don't misunderstand. I have not arrived! I simply want to say that I am moving in the right direction. And I say, " Follow me as I follow Christ" ( 1Cor 11:1 ). No matter how good or bad your dad, you have a Perfect Heavenly Father who wants to teach you to be a better dad than the dad you had. And on a similar note, no matter how good or bad the model of spousal relations was in your home, you have a Lord who is a Perfect Husband to His Church, and He wants to teach you to really love your wife.
For years I actually thought I was an excellent husband because I didn't scream at or curse my wife; and I would never hit her. Likewise, I felt that I would be a model dad, if I was just non-abusive. But that was my negative vision operating. You see, with a negative vision you can do nothing at all and think you are really doing something.
If you think the kind of transformation I am talking about comes with your baptismal certificate, think again. It actually comes through years of serious discipleship. Neither does it happen instantly or automatically. It happens as we humble ourselves to become teachable, become willing to pray the price - and in some ways - pay the price.
For those who have experienced substantial wounds or deficiencies in childhood nurturing, it generally takes more than the routine "programs" of a church to find restoration and a reasonable level of wholeness. The truth is, most church programs are designed to introduce us to the faith and provide "routine maintenance" for our spiritual life. They are not designed to make extensive repairs. These are accomplished in the office of a pastor or other godly counselor. And you will have to initiate this. You will have to recognize your own need and solicit help with it.
If you can be honest enough with yourself to see that you are not doing well at loving your kids and loving their mother, you are prepared to take a step in the right direction. It may be the most frightening thing you have ever done; but it just could be the greatest thing you will ever do. By allowing God to change your heart and mind, you could influence change in your immediate family and even the generations that follow you.
It would be ideal, of course, if we could reach that level of reasonable wholeness before we got married and had children. For many of us, that is not an option; we have had the family for a long while and may have only recently recognized our soul's need for restoration.
Don't give in to discouragement; ask God to make you the man you ought to be. Then, stay humble and teachable. Perhaps you say, "It's too late; my kids are grown and gone!" No, dear friend, it's not too late! Embrace God's will and keep becoming the man He wants you to be, which includes refinement of your role as a dad.
We're still dads even after our kids become moms or dads themselves. No, they don't want us to try to run their lives (and neither does God, by the way). But they do still need our maturing love. And even our adult children can be blessed by the newness brought to our lives via the purifying work of God's Spirit.
Please don't let yourself get stuck in resentment and bitterness towards a dad who abandoned or abused you. Invite God, our Heavenly Father, to dress the wounds of your heart and lead you to the place of forgiveness. If you are stuck, call for help. When your car is stuck in a ditch, it's not unmanly to call a tow truck. Likewise, when your life is stuck, there is nothing unmanly about calling a pastor or counselor. It is, in fact, a most wise act.
Ask God to reveal the difference between your natural compensations for your father's failures and the true will of God for your life as a father. For instance, some of us who were treated harshly even abusively in the name of discipline have become absolute wimps regarding the discipline of our own children. We let our kids get away with murder. We drive our wives nuts by failing to support their discipline of our children. Thus, our reaction to our own childhood mistreatment actually places us out of balance in the opposite direction from our abusive parent. Both errors are serious; one just looks nicer than the other.
God took a great risk in identifying Himself as a Heavenly Father. That is how He reveled Himself in the Bible. For many of us, that identity does not conjure up a positive battery of thoughts and feelings. If the term "father" holds substantial negative content for you, it is because your father failed to model the Heavenly Father appropriately. Now, every earthly father fails to model the Heavenly Father's heart to some degree. For those of us who had earthly fathers who withheld love and attention and encouragement and affirmation, who were harsh and demanding and abusive, the tendency to perceive God as the same is substantial. Hear and embrace this truth: He is not.
I wholeheartedly encourage you to let Him lead you. Embrace all the resources He gives you. Then, your kids can have the dad you never had. And in this, both you and your children will be blessed.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Dane, you wrote from personal experience to support the title of your article. Your relationship with God and love for your children is what helped you to be the Dad you wish you had. Moving, touching and of great benefit to other Dad's. Thank you for sharing. Blessings and enjoy a lovely weekend!Thank you very much, Avis. I have been blessed INCREDIBLY! To God be the glory, great things He has done! Thanks for reading and offering your encouraging words.You are very welcome, Dane. I just love who and how you gave credit to where it is due! Blessings will continue to overtake you because you pass them on.
Dane, I could so relate. I wrote a little about my relationship with my dad, though left out the muck. I appreciate a man;s perspective. My husband experienced what you did, though his dad still lives and not once has he ever called us or even been to our home. But God in His grace, gave Art the opportunity to be different. The process is long and hard, but worth it! Because my husband was willing to humble himself before the Lord, he has been able to be an amazing father. My kids adore their father and I am blessed by the relationship he has with them. With both us us having no example of what an earthly father should be like, we came out alright because of our Heavenly Father. (Though far-far from perfect). Thank you for sharing your heart and experience and I do pray that many men will take your advice and allow God to break the cycle. God bless you!! TeresaThank you very much, Teresa. What an "amen"! There is a word in the prophet Malachi about God "turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers", which I believe is sorely needed in our day. I am believing that God will use this piece to speak encouragement to at least a few men who need it. I'm glad that you and Art have found God's provision and embraced it. Good fruit is produced whenever we do. Thanks for sharing your testimony with us. God bless you and your home!Teresa, you and I know every family is blessed but when a Mom and Dad puts Christ at the head of that family, many more blessings are realized. "Though far-far from perfect" is so true but as a child, I think we do believe our parents are perfect. Well, I did. You and your husband will be rewarded for setting Christ-like examples for them. Happy Father's Day to their Dad!Avis, is anonymous above.Your words mean a lot--thanks so much dear sister!
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