Keeping Score in Relationships
Posted: Tuesday, March 11, 2008
by Dane Tyner
Home Improvement Ministry
March is an especially fun time of the year for our family, and it is a direct result of my son-in-law, Jon. Because of his passion for sports, and basketball in particular, March Madness has become a major family tradition over the past decade. In recent years, Jon has organized an Internet group for family and friends, where we each make our team picks through the NCAA Tournament; we compete on the basis of our predictions. There's no money involved; it's just fun to see who picks the most winners in each round of play.
I have young grandchildren who play basketball, too. When they play, however, no score is kept. They play for a certain amount of time and have lots of fun; but since no score is kept, at the end of the game there is no winner, no loser. They are all winners. This is totally appropriate, in that these little kids are just learning to play the game. For them, it's a great accomplishment if they dribbled the ball five times while going the length of the court, or guarded the person they were supposed to, or actually passed the ball to their own teammate.
There are places in life where keeping score is important, let's say essential. You wouldn't sell enough tickets to make it worthwhile at high school, college or professional sporting events, if there were no winner to be determined. When we go see our grandchildren play, we'll pay a couple of bucks to get in and sit with a small crowd of fans (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles of the kids on the court). Forgive me, but I probably wouldn't pay a couple of bucks to see your little grandkids play.
Just as there are places where keeping score is an essential part of the activity, there are places where keeping score is most inappropriate. Our friendships and family relationships should not be a place of keeping score; yet, often they are.
You haven't been nice to me, so I won't be nice to you. I wouldn't want the score to be uneven. You bought me a pretty expensive present, so I feel I have to go spend money I don't have to keep the score even between us. You invited me over to your house, but I refuse because I feel I would have to invite you to my house; and my house isn't cool like your house. The score is already uneven; why draw your attention to the scoreboard?
Our relationships would be more blessed if we would just turn off the scoreboard and enjoy the process. Is it important to recognize and address the fact that someone else has not been nice to me? Certainly; but, if I do this with the scoreboard shut off, I can choose to be nice to them because it is the right thing to do, even though they have not been nice to me. When my friends give me gifts, they do the same as I do when I give gifts we give simply because we want to and are able to, not so that we will get something in return. Let's turn off the scoreboard and just love and enjoy one another.
This Article has been viewed 154 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)hi dane, very nice, well written, interesting article, that is oh, so true. my kids are 17, 20, and 22, but all through grammar school they played basketball and softball, and oh, what a mess other parents would make. it got so bad, the school wrote up a paper on the do's and don'ts for parents, sent them home with the kids, and we had to sign them and send them back to school. too bad the kids couldn't have fun, and not be concerned with what their parents are yelling. thanks for a good article, best regards, sue thomThank you, Susan. Glad the article was a blessing to you. God bless you and your home.
Thanks Dane People like me need all the help we can get Thanks againThank you, Leo. Glad this was helpful to you. Welcome to my "Fans". You are #7. I'm honored.
Hi Dane You are correct of course, people do keep score, especially with regards to gift giving! I'm not so sure we all keep score re being treated badly though. I myself just avoid people who treat me badly rather than stooping to their level. But hey it'd be a rotten world if we were all the same! Good article.Thanks for reading and thinking along with me. To be sure, we don't all handle relational issues the same. Glad you avoid "stooping to the level of those who treat you badly." Most of us can use more exercise, but that is not the kind we need.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.